A Really Long Post
I've been on an emotional roller-coaster ride this couple of months back. Mainly cos I got out of my longest relationship (3 long yrs) by far....
When I was with him, I never had a doubt that he loved me with his all... never had I for a single moment felt that he doesn't care, never... Why, then, did I choose to leave him? I think I simply got into a relationship for a wrong reason, without loving him enough. I truly liked him, he was there for me when I was at the lowest point of my life when I found out my ex cheated on me. He was my life buoy... I hung on to him... He gave alot... financially & mentally. He always brought me on diving trips, overseas trip, made time for me no matter how tired he may be after work, hang out with me even though his friends might haf made plans... He allowed me all the freedom in the world, allowing me to grow and learn... Never once, did he try to control me. I could meet other guys... he would always be waiting for me to go back to him... He was always there, at the corner waiting... knowing that I would return...
I know I'm a bitch for leaving him... I know he deserves someone much better than me... someone who loves him and is more committed to him than me. He really loves me, that I know... But love has to be a 2-way traffic... Not that I have no feelings for him at all...it's just that I think I am not that into him... No, I admit I do not love him enough to want to stop seeing other people. I tried, I swear I really tried. There was this point where I didn't wanna meet new people or go anywhere except with my gfs cos I was very afraid of feeling attracted to someone else...
I was very selfish & it was very unfair for him. There he was, giving his 100 percent and here I'm taking and taking without reciprocating equally... I know love's never a fair game... but I was taking far more than I was capable of giving...
At one point, I kinda thought of a future together with him... we went flat viewing... checked out wedding gowns, read bridal magazines... I sincerely thought that I would be really happy with him as I know I'll never meet someone else who loves me more than he does... I thought I would be contented just by being very loved...
People always say that it's always better to find a man who loves you more than you love him... I thought that was true too... until now... until I've been through it... I realised it doesn't work that way... For something to work out, it has to be a 2-way traffic... though there can never be a balance, both parties should at least be equally committed to wanting to work things out. I'm sorry I was never really committed or decided enough... It's all my fault, really. I do not want to attempt to make it seem like I'm not in the wrong at all. In actual fact, the very reason why this whole relationship couldn't work out was solely because of me... the fact that I cannot fully commit... the fact that I always thought there would be someone better out there...
After I finally made things clear to him, I really felt very relieved... like this huge burden lifted off my chest... I felt very bad that I did not even shed a single tear for him... Life went on for me... In fact, I cherished this new found 'single' status... not that I acted like I was very 'attached' in the first place... but still...
He's still stuck I know... I tried to be nice... to help him cope... but I realised it's not working... In fact, it's making things worse... He gets this impression that I just need some time alone... & eventually, I'll go back to him... I got harsh... No longer was I willing to be nice cos I didn't want to lead him on any further... I know I'm cruel... I know that was the least I could have done... but yet, I chose not to do it... I think he has to learn to get on with his life without me... My presence makes it alot more difficult for him... I had to be cruel... or it'll just be a never-ending vicious cycle...
It's almost 4 mths now... I'm leading a very happy life... I think I might have met someone whom I'm very much into... and it's mutual... I feel remorseful that I'll happy and that he's upset... I know for sure I have no more feelings for him... but yet there's still this feeling of guilt when I see the other guy...
But I think I really like this guy alot... and I want to give it a shot... Even if that means I'll be taken for a heartless, cold-hearted bitch... I mean how often in life do you meet someone whom you feel really attracted to? I mean I have met 2 guys whom I really had great chemistry with... but always at the wrong time... I really do not want to give this guy a miss... He's a great guy... a nice friend... and he's always willing to accomodate me... He makes me laugh and I feel appreciated by him too...
I think I've had enough regrets... I want to make sure this time round, I wouldn't have any... even if it means I'll be grossly misunderstood, I do not care... I'm sure my true friends would not judge me and will stand by me... the rest of the people... are the least of my concern... They can say whatever they want for all I care... Life's too short to have that many considerations... I can't please the whole world anyway... So for once, I've decided that there's no need to be politically correct anymore... My happiness lies in my own hands... If it works out, grt! If it doesn't at least I know I gave me all... I could look back at this episode in the future, and feel pleased and proud of myself for being brave enough...
When I was with him, I never had a doubt that he loved me with his all... never had I for a single moment felt that he doesn't care, never... Why, then, did I choose to leave him? I think I simply got into a relationship for a wrong reason, without loving him enough. I truly liked him, he was there for me when I was at the lowest point of my life when I found out my ex cheated on me. He was my life buoy... I hung on to him... He gave alot... financially & mentally. He always brought me on diving trips, overseas trip, made time for me no matter how tired he may be after work, hang out with me even though his friends might haf made plans... He allowed me all the freedom in the world, allowing me to grow and learn... Never once, did he try to control me. I could meet other guys... he would always be waiting for me to go back to him... He was always there, at the corner waiting... knowing that I would return...
I know I'm a bitch for leaving him... I know he deserves someone much better than me... someone who loves him and is more committed to him than me. He really loves me, that I know... But love has to be a 2-way traffic... Not that I have no feelings for him at all...it's just that I think I am not that into him... No, I admit I do not love him enough to want to stop seeing other people. I tried, I swear I really tried. There was this point where I didn't wanna meet new people or go anywhere except with my gfs cos I was very afraid of feeling attracted to someone else...
I was very selfish & it was very unfair for him. There he was, giving his 100 percent and here I'm taking and taking without reciprocating equally... I know love's never a fair game... but I was taking far more than I was capable of giving...
At one point, I kinda thought of a future together with him... we went flat viewing... checked out wedding gowns, read bridal magazines... I sincerely thought that I would be really happy with him as I know I'll never meet someone else who loves me more than he does... I thought I would be contented just by being very loved...
People always say that it's always better to find a man who loves you more than you love him... I thought that was true too... until now... until I've been through it... I realised it doesn't work that way... For something to work out, it has to be a 2-way traffic... though there can never be a balance, both parties should at least be equally committed to wanting to work things out. I'm sorry I was never really committed or decided enough... It's all my fault, really. I do not want to attempt to make it seem like I'm not in the wrong at all. In actual fact, the very reason why this whole relationship couldn't work out was solely because of me... the fact that I cannot fully commit... the fact that I always thought there would be someone better out there...
After I finally made things clear to him, I really felt very relieved... like this huge burden lifted off my chest... I felt very bad that I did not even shed a single tear for him... Life went on for me... In fact, I cherished this new found 'single' status... not that I acted like I was very 'attached' in the first place... but still...
He's still stuck I know... I tried to be nice... to help him cope... but I realised it's not working... In fact, it's making things worse... He gets this impression that I just need some time alone... & eventually, I'll go back to him... I got harsh... No longer was I willing to be nice cos I didn't want to lead him on any further... I know I'm cruel... I know that was the least I could have done... but yet, I chose not to do it... I think he has to learn to get on with his life without me... My presence makes it alot more difficult for him... I had to be cruel... or it'll just be a never-ending vicious cycle...
It's almost 4 mths now... I'm leading a very happy life... I think I might have met someone whom I'm very much into... and it's mutual... I feel remorseful that I'll happy and that he's upset... I know for sure I have no more feelings for him... but yet there's still this feeling of guilt when I see the other guy...
But I think I really like this guy alot... and I want to give it a shot... Even if that means I'll be taken for a heartless, cold-hearted bitch... I mean how often in life do you meet someone whom you feel really attracted to? I mean I have met 2 guys whom I really had great chemistry with... but always at the wrong time... I really do not want to give this guy a miss... He's a great guy... a nice friend... and he's always willing to accomodate me... He makes me laugh and I feel appreciated by him too...
I think I've had enough regrets... I want to make sure this time round, I wouldn't have any... even if it means I'll be grossly misunderstood, I do not care... I'm sure my true friends would not judge me and will stand by me... the rest of the people... are the least of my concern... They can say whatever they want for all I care... Life's too short to have that many considerations... I can't please the whole world anyway... So for once, I've decided that there's no need to be politically correct anymore... My happiness lies in my own hands... If it works out, grt! If it doesn't at least I know I gave me all... I could look back at this episode in the future, and feel pleased and proud of myself for being brave enough...
posted by paradox-is-me at 4:07 AM
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