Time Heals all Wounds? Think again...
God works in mysterious ways. I'm not a believer, but I know that there's a higher being out there... God or not, I do not know... All I know is that this higher being has got everything planned out for us...
Our lives are fixed the moment we're born... Our destiny, the experiences we would all go through, the failures, the successes, the sadness, the happiness... Everything... It's all pre-destined. Yes, we can control our own lives to a certain extend... but unknowingly, our paths has already been laid out for us...
Though I ain't exactly old... I think 20 odd years of living has given me enough reasons to think so. It's funny how when bad things happen, they do so sneakily, sneaking up your back when you're so happy and feeling all good about life. We get all emotional, afraid, daunted... Same here, I too, get depressed and question why do bad things ALWAYS have to happen to me. "Why me?" The same old question I always have at the back of my head...
My life has never been easy... If I were to relate it to the sea... then mine would be akin to the tumultous open sea where big waves are threatening to capsize the smaller boats anytime...
Many times, I find myself in situations where one wrong move would spell the end of things. As a result, I grew up way way before my time... I used to be bitter about it... like always wondering why do my peers have the 'priviledge' to be so loved by their parents, why are they so happy, so free of worries, never having to worry about anything...?
Since I was a kid, I had always been the pillar of strength for my mother and elder sister. The two of them, being the more emotional ones, tend to turn to me for support... Not that I could do much anyway... just that I was a good listening ear... Also, because of this, I had to grow up fast as I felt a responsibility towards them... I always had this sense of duty to be there for them, to solve their problems for them, to make decisions even though I was only a kid myself...
It was never easy and to be honest, I hated it... I hated having to be responsible... I've never ever been able to be carefree... Whatever I do, I always had to consider a thousand and one other things... How I envied people who were able to do things as they like, according to their hearts' desire... That, I think, is a priviledge, which I would never be able to experience...
A forbidden fruit is always the sweetest... It's the things which you do not have or you know you'll never have that appeals to you the most... But after having it, you'll probably realise that you don't want it so much after all...
Today signifies the end of the past and the start of a new beginning. Before this day, I was so looking forward to it happening... Now that it has come, I'm not so sure that I want it anymore. I feel sad in fact. Today's the day I'll be collecting my father's death certificate...
For many years, my mother, my sisters & myself have wanted to find closure... to put that painful past behind us, to move on... I wanted it more than anything else... Now that I'm only a few hours away from it, I'm suddenly overwhelmed by emotions... I know it sounds stupid, but I feel that today, he's really leaving us for good... He's going to be out of our lives for good... Gone, forever... never coming back...
I have not seen him since the day he left us... but his presence was always felt... I always had him close to me... in my heart, in the faintest memories I had of him... I always thought of him... Wondering how he's doing now... is he happy? Is he thinking of us too? So many questions yet never able to find an answer...
That's life isn't it... I always tell myself to be strong... I cannot offer to collapse or even show the slighest weakness... cos they depend on me... emotionally...Therefore, I've grown to be this very mature and cold person to them...
It's not that I don't feel anything... It's just that I've learnt to concealed my feelings so well, keep everything to myself to, put on a brave front so well that no one, not even the ones closest to me will ever be able to tell what's on my mind... How many nights have I spent crying myself silently to sleep...
As I'm typing this entry, tears are flowing & no words can describe the tremendous amount of pain I'm feeling in my heart now... This heartache is a million times worse than any physical pain that can be inflicted on the body... The physical pain heals with time... but a heartache never really goes away... It comes back when you least expect it... at moments where you thought you've finally put it behind you... It comes back in a dull aching manner... When you get transported back to the past... and feel the pain all over once again...
People say time heals all wounds... I beg to differ... I say they never really do heal... just that with time, we get used to it and learn to live with it... but it's always there, tucked away in a little corner of our heart... waiting to jump out at you, catching you unaware...
It's a good thing no one ever died of heartache... cos I would hate to think of how many times I would have died or be on the verge of death if it was possible...
Our lives are fixed the moment we're born... Our destiny, the experiences we would all go through, the failures, the successes, the sadness, the happiness... Everything... It's all pre-destined. Yes, we can control our own lives to a certain extend... but unknowingly, our paths has already been laid out for us...
Though I ain't exactly old... I think 20 odd years of living has given me enough reasons to think so. It's funny how when bad things happen, they do so sneakily, sneaking up your back when you're so happy and feeling all good about life. We get all emotional, afraid, daunted... Same here, I too, get depressed and question why do bad things ALWAYS have to happen to me. "Why me?" The same old question I always have at the back of my head...
My life has never been easy... If I were to relate it to the sea... then mine would be akin to the tumultous open sea where big waves are threatening to capsize the smaller boats anytime...
Many times, I find myself in situations where one wrong move would spell the end of things. As a result, I grew up way way before my time... I used to be bitter about it... like always wondering why do my peers have the 'priviledge' to be so loved by their parents, why are they so happy, so free of worries, never having to worry about anything...?
Since I was a kid, I had always been the pillar of strength for my mother and elder sister. The two of them, being the more emotional ones, tend to turn to me for support... Not that I could do much anyway... just that I was a good listening ear... Also, because of this, I had to grow up fast as I felt a responsibility towards them... I always had this sense of duty to be there for them, to solve their problems for them, to make decisions even though I was only a kid myself...
It was never easy and to be honest, I hated it... I hated having to be responsible... I've never ever been able to be carefree... Whatever I do, I always had to consider a thousand and one other things... How I envied people who were able to do things as they like, according to their hearts' desire... That, I think, is a priviledge, which I would never be able to experience...
A forbidden fruit is always the sweetest... It's the things which you do not have or you know you'll never have that appeals to you the most... But after having it, you'll probably realise that you don't want it so much after all...
Today signifies the end of the past and the start of a new beginning. Before this day, I was so looking forward to it happening... Now that it has come, I'm not so sure that I want it anymore. I feel sad in fact. Today's the day I'll be collecting my father's death certificate...
For many years, my mother, my sisters & myself have wanted to find closure... to put that painful past behind us, to move on... I wanted it more than anything else... Now that I'm only a few hours away from it, I'm suddenly overwhelmed by emotions... I know it sounds stupid, but I feel that today, he's really leaving us for good... He's going to be out of our lives for good... Gone, forever... never coming back...
I have not seen him since the day he left us... but his presence was always felt... I always had him close to me... in my heart, in the faintest memories I had of him... I always thought of him... Wondering how he's doing now... is he happy? Is he thinking of us too? So many questions yet never able to find an answer...
That's life isn't it... I always tell myself to be strong... I cannot offer to collapse or even show the slighest weakness... cos they depend on me... emotionally...Therefore, I've grown to be this very mature and cold person to them...
It's not that I don't feel anything... It's just that I've learnt to concealed my feelings so well, keep everything to myself to, put on a brave front so well that no one, not even the ones closest to me will ever be able to tell what's on my mind... How many nights have I spent crying myself silently to sleep...
As I'm typing this entry, tears are flowing & no words can describe the tremendous amount of pain I'm feeling in my heart now... This heartache is a million times worse than any physical pain that can be inflicted on the body... The physical pain heals with time... but a heartache never really goes away... It comes back when you least expect it... at moments where you thought you've finally put it behind you... It comes back in a dull aching manner... When you get transported back to the past... and feel the pain all over once again...
People say time heals all wounds... I beg to differ... I say they never really do heal... just that with time, we get used to it and learn to live with it... but it's always there, tucked away in a little corner of our heart... waiting to jump out at you, catching you unaware...
It's a good thing no one ever died of heartache... cos I would hate to think of how many times I would have died or be on the verge of death if it was possible...
posted by paradox-is-me at 9:22 AM
3 Comments:
why did u keep it all inside n not say out?
though i couldnt do anything abt it, i cud have lent u a shoulder or a listening ear.
itz kinda upsetting to know tt one of my best fren is upset n i din know or do anything abt it. u know, everything's gonna be ok. u have me *hugs*
Gal,
Really am glad to have found you... Despite how we started out... you've been one of those really rare friends who has stood by me through thick and thin without the slightest judgement... I love you for that... Not that I don't trust you enough to tell you... it's just that it's too painful to put into words... which explains why writing is the only way I could express it...
am never blaming u for not saying. am blaming meself for not being sensitive enuf to notice, too caught up with my own stuff. u noe, i do understand where u r coming from, tt writing comes easier than speech. but sometimes it does help to talk abt it. if getting it off ur chest is something tt cud really help, the least i can do is to lend u my bony shoulders. *hug*
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