Mummy

When we all were little kids, our parents were the world to us. They loved us unconditionally, gave us all they could, made sure we were happy, safe & never hungry...

Memories of my childhood were filled with both happiness and sadness. Mainly, these memories contained my mother. How she slogged to bring her 3 daughters up, how she always leave the best things for us, how she always worry about whether we had enought to spend, how nobel and self-sacrificing she was.

Dad left us when I was three... looking back it has already been more than two decades since he left. Though I grew up without a dad, I never felt less fortunate as compared to my friends for my mother gave us so much. She made sure we never felt abandoned and unwanted. Being the selfless person she was, she gave up a very nice man for she wasn't sure if he would love us as much as she wanted him to.

Not that all her 3 daughters have grown up, she is all alone. While other older women have their husbands to bring them out for tea and nice holidays, my mum had no one. As such, I always try my best to make her feel loved and whenever she could, I would offer to bring her out or get nice little things for her occasionally.

I just wanna dedicate this post to the greatest woman of my life. I know besides her, no one in this world would love me as much she she does and no one would ever be as selfless as her.

I love you mum...here's a song for you:

Fly Away - Corrinne May

'When will you be home?' she asks
as we watch the planes take off
we both know we have no clear answer
to where my dreams may lead
she's watched me as i crawled and stumbled
as a child, she was my world
and now to let me go, i know she bleeds
and yet she says to me

you can fly so high
keep your gaze upon the sky
i'll be praying every step along the way
even though it breaks my heart to know we'll be so far apart
i love you too much to make you stay
baby fly away

autumn leaves fell into spring time and
silver painted hair
daddy called one evening saying
'We need you. Please come back'
when i saw her lying in her bed
fragile as a child
pale as an angel taking flight
i held her as i cried

you can fly so high
keep your gaze upon the sky
i'll be praying every step along the way
even though it breaks my heart to know we'll be so far apart
i love you too much to make you stay
baby fly away

Dreamer

I was supposed to be doing my revision for a test next week... but since the moment I woke up, I've been doing everything except study...

God Bless Me.

Don't know why but felt kind of lost today... my thoughts drifted back to him again & somehow, I don't know what to make out of what I was feeling. It's probably a mixture of abit of everything.

My twin & best guy friend told me that he's not worth it but I just can't bring myself to hate him or anything of that sort. I don't know why, I don't feel angry at all.

I've been wondering to myself like what's he doing now, how's his injury, is he also thinking of me as well, does he bother at all? So many questions yet without an answer.

Don't worry twin, I won't give in. I won't make any contact if he doesn't do so... I'll learn to get over him.

I know I'll... one day... Meanwhile, just let me indulge in this "mourning" process =)

Undomesticated Goddess

I'm such a bloody klutz! Really!

I tell you, my life's one big adventure or rather misadventure.

I was feeling really hungry after revising my work and so I decided to make myself something to eat after taking a nice cold shower.

It was so eventful, I tell you... First, I broke an egg bacause I grabbed it too hard. When I finally did get the 2 eggs out from the plastic box, I nearly slipped because my slippers were still wet from the shower. Then, while trying to wrestle the prawns out of their frozen state, I pricked my thumb & it bled... I have not bleed for a very long time (if you would overlook the monthly period).

*Mental note: Remind maid to cut the stupid prickly parts away before storing the prawns into the freezer*

Then while trying to get the frying pan out of the cabinet, I bruised myself. When I finally have all the barang barang I need, I cracked the egg and guess what? I actually smashed the damn egg again & there were bits of egg shell in my egg with a broken egg yolk.

After I managed to remove the bits of egg shell, I finally got down to frying my prawn omelette! *Phew* What an adventure right? Haha... anyone in need of some klutzy excitement in your life, I'm the one to look for...

Hurry come, what are you waiting for?! ;)

P.S: FYI, the omelette tasted heavenly... I'm not such a loser afterall. At least I can make a tasty, unburned omelette okie...

Love is Blind - Fact or Fallacy?

Today I saw something which I probably am not supposed to see. Not that it bothered me or anything anyway. Someone just had to remind me about it. Really, sometimes I think the more you try to defend yourself, the worse it gets. So, though I'm pretty much misunderstood sometimes, I prefer to keep my defence to myself... Silence is MY best policy.

What brings two individuals together? Is there some mysterious force at work or is it just plain random occurence? Have you ever met someone whom you really liked at one point or another in your life but just couldn't get together because of certain reasons?

Well, I certainly have. Reasons ranging from wrong timing to already attached (be it happily or unhappily) stopped me from letting my heart rule over my head.

Of course, I'm only human and it's only human to err. I got to admit that I've for harboured feelings for an individual even though I was already attached. It was not right, I know. And as it already didn't start out on a good note, these two relationships didn't end on a very good note either.

After these two times, I told myself never to get involved with anyone else when I'm still in a relationship even if I'm damn fucking unhappy. If I'm really really unhappy in a relationship, I have a choice to get out of it, no excuses. I've learnt through the hard way and twice is more than enough to knock lots of sense into me.

If two individuals are pretty much in love, it's virtually impossible to break them up, that I agree. However, I also think that one should not take advantage of the fact that someone else's relationship is on the rocks.

I've sobered up and I truly know what I DO NOT want. No way am I going to let such idiots have their way again.

Back to the point where I saw something I wasn't supposed to see. To this friend of mine who's so worried that her sweet, innocent image is tarnished, don't worry. I don't give a damn about it. It's your problem. Yours and yours solely. I have no wish to get involved. However as a friend, I would still want to tell you this -

Sometimes, it's wise to just take step back or slow down alittle so you get a clearer view of the whole picture. Love is not blind and I don't think it should be. Not that you have to find the perfect someone but at least you should know what you're getting yourself into first then decide if that's what you can live with (flaws and all)... All the best to you & I sincerely wish you find your happiness with her if that's what you really want...

"Love is not blind... it's about accepting the one you love as a whole package, the flaws and the goodness. That's why true love is so elusive because more often than not, people love you for all your goodness... but at the first sight of the bad, off they run..." - Quote: Professor Au

Honour or Stupidity?

As I stupidly & conveniently forgot to set my alarm clock last night before I turned in, I ended up waking up late, very late... Thus, was unable to make it to school...

Feeling lazy, I switched on my TV and tuned in to National Geographic Channel. The documentary "Honour Killing" had just started.

Sure, I've read about it in National Geographic Magazine, sure I've read this from circulated emails & sure, friends & I have talked about this issue before. But this time round, watching it, hearing it from the horses's mouth, taking in every horrorible fact as the women in Pakistan lament their fate, it all seemed so real all of a sudden. Though it's happening at the other end of the world, I was very touched by what I saw on TV.

This woman was punished by her husband in what he described as an "Honour Killing" just because he heard that she was having an affair with another man. Just because of a hearsay, he went ahead to beat his then 6 mths pregnant wife up, cut her ears off, saw her nose off, dug her eyes out... I was shocked beyond words and tears just filled up in my eyes.

Thank goodness, the baby survived the ordeal. The woman wasn't so lucky, she survived only to be very disfigured. Imagine a woman with only empty sockets, without a nose, without ears... She was tearing while being interviewed and shared how her children refused to go near her for awhile because of how shocking and ugly she looked.

Because this woman came to her senses, she decided to sue her husband and with the help of her brother, they found one of the rare woman lawyer around who offered to fight her case, Free-of-Charge. As a result of her persistency, they finally succeeded and he was sentenced to jail for 14 years. Now, they are appealing to the Court to change his sentence to Life Imprisonment.

Her courage touched me and it was this step that encouraged many other more abused women to leave and stand up for their own rights.

When the host interviewed the men what do they know about "Honour Killing" , they all replied that the only know that the Quran said that if a woman did something unhonourable, they then should stand up as a Muslim and kill her for what they call "Family Honour".

Many of those men was uneducated and illiterate... How then could they understand the Quran?

Tell me, which good religion would tell people to kill their family members over something as trivial as walking alone on the streets without a male relative?

I am appalled by such barbaric behaviour! Is there even love and kinship in those men? Do they just go around killing their daugthers, wives, sisters, cousins just because of a stupid accusation which is taken to be true without any clarifications?

Aren't we supposed to be living in 2005, a modern society? The President could coldly reply the reporter that he has no BUDGET for protecting these women thought he's aware of the seriousness of the situation. He said he needs to spend on weapons, for military defence because without weapons, there would be no Pakistan... That clearly is more important than human rights, more important then providing shelter for these women in his opinion.

Mr President, if that's the case, then maybe it's better off not to have any Pakistan... With such people, your country willl bever prosper... children continue to become motherless every day, women continue to meet with undeserved death everyday, policemen will carry on being corrupted and taking bribes & turning away from such crimes against humanity.

Maybe it's time for the women to stand up for their own rights and speak up instead of suffering in silence.

One day, when I can, I'll set up a foundation to fight for such a cause.

Meanwhile, now, I'm contented and relieved to know that there're people in Pakistan who care & who dare to stand up against such crimes inspite of endangering thier lives... It's also comforting to know that there are people in many other parts of the world who care enough for the plights of other less fortunate people aorund the world...

This, I take comfort in & I'll continue dreaming for a better world..

All's not what it seems like it's on the surface...

This weekend, I managed to get myself dead drunk... so drunk that I can't even walk, so drunk that I just wanna sleep by the roadside, so drunk that I never seem too be able to finish puking and so drunk that my head was perpetually splitting into half.

I didn't plan on getting drunk when I was on my way to meet those alcoholic friends of mine. I don't know what got over me... I thought I was fine, I thought it didn't matter. Nostalgic swept over me, without any warning, just like that.

Really, at times like this, you can clearly see who are those who really care about you.

My ex called my place in e afternoon and gram told him I was sleeping. Without a second thought, he rushed to my place, thinking I was sick.

When I woke up, I saw him sitting by my bed... I was shocked & at the same time pleasantly surprised.

After I finally recovered from my hangover many hours later, he brought me to Geylang for my favourite porridge.

It was nice, talking like normal friends again, going out, eating and not feeling any pressure.

I always thought he didn't really care about us... I guess I was wrong to assume...

Maybe one day, we might be able to recover the feelings we somehow lost along the way and start all over again?

Who knows what the future holds... I don't, you don't, nobody does... But at least, we live with hope... and hope for things greater and better is what strives people to go on...

It's what makes life worth living...

Blessed

Whenever I'm feeling down, need reassurance or just need someone to bitch to, I know I can always count on a handful of my precious friends.

Today, I met up with the gals from Secondary School. As usual, we had lots to eat, laughed at each other & talked about endless topics.

Surprisingly, they weren't putting me down when they found out about what happened. To be honest, I was really surprised and very touched. I always thought they would give me hell for letting someone so nice go.

I really really felt very blessed that I have such nice friends who never judge me, do not doubt me & would always support me morally.

My cute & petite bestest friend who is usually damn nonchalent about almost everything actually smsed me after she got home.

"Good night sweetie. Call me anytime you need company. . Cos I want yours.. =) Sweet dreamz.. Luv ya!"

For awhile, I felt warmth envelope me. Really! I am not being dramatic here. It's during difficult times when you know how much your friends care for you and how much you matter to them.

Whoever said I was difficult to please, obviously doesn't know me well enough. It's small little acts like this that makes me day... cheers me up... make me look forward to life & feel blessed.

Love

All my life, there was never a lack of suitors.
Boys came and went... only 4 truly touched my heart.

Really, what defines love? Is there a standardised way of loving?
How can we measure love? If we can't, then how can we say that "He/she doesn't love me enough"?

I was very loved.....but yet, I just felt empty when I'm with him...
I tried loving with my every heart and soul, yet it wasn't enough for him...
It was sweet yet painful while it lasted, yet memories of him still warm my heart every now and then...
Young I was, puppy love is always sweet, yet it ended bitterly...

Alot of times, I wonder if I really do know how to love...
Sometimes, failed relationships makes me doubt myself...
Will I ever find "The One"?
The answer ever so elusive...

I may appear very strong but I am really just any other girl...
I, too feel vulnerable...
I might not look upset but I'm probably bleeding deep inside...hurting every single second...

Now that it's all over, I'll live my life even better than I ever did...
While I continue on my quest of finding "The One"... "The One" who completes me...