*J*

When the plane took off, it took away a part of them too
Prayed and hoped the trip would put things right
Was it a wishful thinking all along? Maybe so...

Words are nice... But actions much appreciated
Don't promise what you know you can't deliver
Don't say things will be alright you know it'll never be

She's tired... tired of doing everything
Tired of not doing anything
What will be will be... she lies to herself

Pain is her companion and disappointment, her best friend
Wishes were but yesterday's
Happiness had but long gone...

********

爱情如果真的是束缚
为何你能爱得轻松自如
你说你天生爱孤独
两人生活有点太辛苦

我不像你是双栖动物
我只能活在充满爱的幸福
我所能适应的温度
都是以两人世界为主

很想哭 哭完无助
我无法和我一个人相处
你不愿搬回从前居住
就算哭 也一样没帮助
我被困在一个人的峡谷
多想要却要不到你安抚
眼前是什么路 已看不清楚

你的脚步 在不远处
我反覆将自己说服
就算最终这一场爱的催眠术

Is it us or what?

Look around you. Do you find friends, friends of friends or even family members who get themselves all emotionally beaten up over one person? Sometimes, you can't help but wonder why.

Hey, I'm no exception too. I get myself all uptight over certain issues at times and very often, over men who are not worth that bit of effort at all. At that point of time, when I was IN it, I was often too blind to read the signs... Telling signs which should have sounded off the alarm bells in my head if I had been more careful and less blind. Often, it would dawn on me retrospectively... how blind and stupid I had been and how I probably could have avoided the heartache had I been more rational.

I would like to think that a relationship should be painless or at least carry minimal pain and hurt. I mean how could one think of hurting the one they love and who loves them so much? It's almost unthinkable, isn't it?

I've been hurt, definitely but I've also hurt in the process... Either ways, it doesn't feel good, getting hurt and hurting people.

Thinking of it again now, I think I had been vulnerable only because I allowed myself to be... to be hurt... I suppose we all could, in one way or another, try to be more rational when it comes to dealing with relationships. Like how we should know better than to hold on to something which doesn't do us any good anymore. And how we know we actually could live better without that someone but somehow, we are unwilling to let go in the name of "the good old times" and "he USED to be very sweet".

People... when it's time to let go, you have to let go. We can't possibly be living our lives thinking that things would change for the better when we have been proven otherwise time and again. It's toxic... toxic to keep holding on to something, in which deep in our hearts, already know is beyond hope...

Forgiveness

d"It's not other people we need to forgive, Mitch," he finally whispered. "We also need to forgive ourselves."

"For all the things we didn't do. All the things we should have done. You can't get stuck on the regrets on what should have happened."

********

Just finished reading Tuesdays with Morrie again & this book never fails to touch me. On the many life lessons I have learnt from this book, the lesson on forgiveness struck a chord with me the most this time round. I guess I have been stuck in this 'bitter' phase over certain issues for the longest time.

Something which happened last night made me pretty miffed with a certain someone. Not because the pictures were seen but rather because of the lack respect in the incident which happened.

Surprisingly, I did not blow my top at the said person but rather, took it calmly. A sign that I'm moving towards my goal of making myself a better person. I think the me in the past would have been so angry that I would have raised my voice at her and then continue to stay angry with the person involved for the next few days to come.

But by being angry for just the split second yesterday, then getting over it, somehow made me feel a whole lot better than to stay angry with someone for long. Morrie is right... We all need to forgive. Most importantly of all, we all need to learn to forgive ourselves.

I have been angry with myself for a very long time. For all the things which I didn't do and for not doing well enough in certain things which I though I ought to have done better in. It's funny how this anger blinds you and makes you oblivious to alot of other positive things happening around you.

Somehow, I am learning to be alot more accepting of myself now. And it's this acceptance which gives me the courage to realise what a flawed person I am and then go on to make things better.

I suppose when one is too caught up with staying angry and bitter about the many things that shouldn't have happened and/or should have happened, we lose the ability to be accepting of ourselves and the people around us. What's the point of beating yourself up emotionally for something which no longer can be changed? Rather, shouldn't we be more forward-looking?

I'm not sure if this entry makes sense to anyone. Bottomline is really just this: Learn to stay angry for not more than 1 minute... for staying angry with someone consumes one and takes away so many of the postivities that could come. Rather, work on forgiving others and oneself...

Life's Numbers...

If you could choose your own end, how would it be like?

Would you choose to just leave quietly without any signs/warning or would you rather know that you're dying soon so that you could live the last days of your life in accordance to your plans?

If given a choice, I would choose the latter. This is highly debatable though. I've asked many friends this question. Surprisingly, I seem to be the only one with that choice. All choose to leave quietly by dying peacefully in their sleep.

I don't know about you but I find the fact of not waking up without any warning and just leaving all my loved ones behind quietly like that, a very unthinkable thing to do. Perhaps I just want to leave without any regrets and only die after saying my "I love you" to everyone who matters dearly to me. I do not want to just not wake up one day without doing all that I want to do.

Certainly, it's scary... knowing that you have limited time left to live and it's even scarier when you can put an exact figure to that. It probably takes alot of courage to still live everyday meaningfully, going about your daily business as you normally would when you're well aware that you could just drop dead and die any moment...

When the day of my passing finally comes, I want to be able to pass away without any regrets... and I want to leave behind with my loved ones, not sorrows or tears... but warmth and smiles whenever they think of me again...

My time on earth is limited... I could put a number to it... but I certainly hope that my presence, stories and life(albeit small and insignificant to most) would inspire those close to me for a long time to come even with my passing on... That would be the only justification and purpose of my existence... If there's even any to begin with.