You Think So?

I'm afraid that every step I take, I'm taking myself further and further away from what I want...

Things will never be the same again - to be continued...

"Wait for me", he said... "I'll be back before you know it"...

She waited but the wait seemed to be getting longer and longer... With each passing day, anticipation turned into fear... and slowly, fear dissolved into nonchalance.

He thought she's still at where he left her... back at the same place, tucked away safely... he thought that when he returns, she'll still be there at that safe little corner waiting for him. He thought too highly of himself, of her, of their relationship... Little did he know that she, though strong, is just like any other women. She needed to feel cherished, appreciated, loved, pampered, trusted, cared for...

She wondered why he's so evasive about her in front of others... why he seldom mentioned her presence to friends... why he doesn't seem worried that she might one day, be gone when he's back. While it's because he trusts her, it doesn't seem that way to her. She feels that he doesn't love her enough, and worse, she feels that he doesn't really care anyway.

"Baby, I'll be back for a holiday for a week in 3 days' time."

She hangs up... feeling apprehensive about seeing him again after such a long period of absence. She doesn't know what to expect, how to behave and what to say...

She sees him at the airport walking out with his luggage in tow... In her heart, she whispers, "Hello Stranger."

The hug feels awkward like two gawky teenage lovers hugging each other for the first time... The way he holds her hand doesn't feel familiar anymore and he doesn't even smell the same to her anymore...

She realised that she has fallen out of love with him... A long time ago... probably a couple of years back when he couldn't make it back to be by her side when her sister passed away... When she realised that there's no point holding on to this thing called "love" as he can't even be by her side when she needs him the most.

He foolishly thought that he could get away without putting in much effort because he knows she really loves him... and she would be understanding... and never demanding. However, he forgot that no matter how strong he might have perceived their love to be, it still has to be nurtured... he still has to put in effort and make it a point to be there for her when she needs him.

Years flew by just like that... and while they had something initially, it slowly faded... Faded because he took it for granted... thinking that he could just carry on doing whatever he pleased as she'll be there waiting and never uttering a word of displease.

When he boarded the plane again for the umpteen time... she, as usual, sent him off... with a gentle wave and a look of longing in her eyes... except that this time, he sensed some sorrow in that pair of beautiful eyes. He reached for his pocket and felt something in there. He took it out... In his hand was a written note:

"I'm sorry... I loved you... We've grown apart, I've fell out of love... I suppose you can do just as well without me by your side... Sorry, I can't be the woman who'll be by your side when you're old and toothless though it was once my dream..."

Tears welled up in his eyes... it was only at that moment which he realised how he had been to complacent... complacent that things would be able to work out despite his lack of efforts...

Things will never ever be the same again...

My way? No way!

Yeah, sure, I understand I can't have my way all the time.

I'll just have to be patient and make do with what I have on hand and see how things go before deciding on how to proceed further.

Now's not the time to be thinking about this. Just not the time. I should be concentrating on my books and aiming to do well in my upcoming interview.

The rest can wait...

But I'm still very much in love... just that I probably have some doubts about certain things... But probably things would be clearer once he leaves... By then, I should be able to get the answers to the questions at the back of my head...

Good luck to me... and to us...

Presence or Presents

A man going abroad to work leaves his fiancee crying."Don't worry, I will write you everyday," he said.

For years he did write her.But since he was happy with his job, he had no immediate plans of going home.One day, he received a wedding invitation.His girlfriend was scheduled to be married.To whom? To the mailman bringing regularly the letters of her boyfriend! Indeed, distance does make hearts flounder.

The poor boyfriend surely explained, "What went wrong? I sent her letters, chocolates, and flowers."When relationships go wrong, the list of things given and done for the person usually crops up. We say, "I have given you this and that... I have done these things for you." It seems that love is simply proven by the bestowal of gifts and favors.

But while presents are important, love demands what is basic: 'presence of the beloved'.I have observed for instance, the orchids of my mother's. When she's away for a long time, they are unhealthy and many of them wither. But when she is around, they bloom with beautiful flowers. My mother does nothing exceptional. She just spends much time talking and caressing them.I guess persons all the more require a caring presence.

Love is fundamentally a commitment to a person. We may be committed to our business, job, hobby, sports and clubs. But strictly speaking, they cannot love us back. Only a person can love us in return, and for that matter, the highest commitment as human beings, is spending time with those persons we love.And since people need affection and nourishment, material things can only help up to a certain degree in fostering love. But it can never replace the greatest gift of presence becuz everyone needs someone - be it friends, parents, siblings or simply that 'special' one.Being there for someone need not necessary mean having to say alot. Words are sometimes redundant. Remember that 'presence' (to be there for someone) is more than enough."

What Is Most Valuable Is Not What You Have In Your Life, But Who You Have In Your Life"

********

I stumbled across this story and can't help but nod my head in agreement while reading it.

However, as the world is going into globalisation nowadays, is love doomed?

Highflyers are getting posted overseas, businessmen are expanding their businessed overseas, capable people are looking for opportunities overseas, top students are given the chance to go on exchange and internships overseas...

With all these happening around us, should we then instead, enter into relationships of convenience?

To put it simply, it means to be with someone for reason of close proximity rather than to hold out and put ourselves through the pain of a long distance relationship. It's no wonder I've seen so many people who get posted overseas eventually settle down with someone from there. A case of being able to find true love or a case of convenience?

It's very easy to preach and talk about it... Now that I'm facing such a situation for real, I don't dare say for sure what I would do or how I would handle it.

You know, sometimes, I morph into this worrywart... Worrying about all the 'what-ifs'. I get very worried that he'll meet someone new there, I get worried that we'll grow apart as a result of being away from each other all the time, I get worried that I'll get sick of waiting... All the endless possibilities.

Of course, I keep reminding myself to think of the brighter side but what if there's no brighter side to it? Sometimes, the way he speaks about the future... the way his eyes sparkles when he talks about his plans there... reminds me that I'm going to be apart rather than a part of his life in the near future. A reminder that soon, we're going to be in different worlds, living different lives connected only by electronic means or a voice over the phone.

When in a long-distance relationship, how much is too much & when is it too little?

What if at the end of 2 years, he decides to continue staying there? Where does that leave me then? After waiting for 2 long years, I would then be issued a quiet ultimatum. One in which I would either have to leave my life here behind to be there with him or to call it quits after the 2 years' wait and be back to where I started off from.

Sure, I love him... but is it all worth it? Not that I need a return for everything I do but then again, shouldn't I just move on if it's so apparent that it's heading nowhere? If he can't give any assurance that he'll certainly be back at the end of the contract period, should I then reconsider my decision? While it's still not too late to turn back now... No wait! Perhaps I'm already too deep in it to consider backing out as an option.

On my part here, I've taken action to ensure that we might at least get to see each other once every 2-3 months. However, while I can plot and plan, I also have to be given the opportunity to make my plan work. While I am making a choice here, I also have to bear in mind that I'm also one of the many who wishes to be chosen. The problem here is I might not be given that chance.

So, question at the back of my mind now is this: What if I do not get the job?

Does it mean that I have to scrimp and save my pay cheque at the end of every month just so that I get to see him once every half a year? Not forgetting the fact that if I really go into banking, I'll probably be very busy and how many days of annual leave do I get per year? At most 14 days for a newcomer, I suppose. Do the math, and it means, out of 365 days a year, we only probably get to see each other 5 days at a time, twice a year, excluding the webcam conversations (which by the way, reminds me that till now, we still have not gotten our asses down to Funan to get a webcam). That makes it a total of 10 days spent together per year. Translated to percentage, it means we only spend like 2.74% of our time together each year! What a revelation!

Maybe it's still not to late to change our minds... maybe it's not too late to revert back to the 'friends' status. Or is it too late? I have no idea, really.

What does he think of it then? That, I have no idea too. All I know is that he HOPES that things would work out and that he's WILLING to give it a try. Honestly, if I were him, it would be easy to say that I'm willing to give it a try. What would he have to lose? If things don't work out, he has his career to bank on... while I'll have nothing except perhaps, a very depleted bank account plus a very shattered heart and of course 2 years of my youth gone. What's 2 years to men in their late 20s? It's nothing... Their market value is just like antique vases, the older they get, the higher is their market value while women are just like cars, they depreciate in value year after year & when they get too old, they'll be gotten rid of and in place of them, will be a nice and shiny new car...

Sad but true. Though there are people out there who truly appreciates vintage cars, most would still choose a spanking new one anytime.

I very much want to take one step at a time and live in the moment but it's tough. The more I think about it, the more unsure I get. It takes alot more than this to assure me that it's all worth the wait. Am I greedy? Am I impatient? Am I selfish? I don't think so. It's just that I don't want to have the epiphany one day and realise that all along, it's just wishful thinking on my part.

Even more so, I do not want to leave my life in accordance to his plans forever. It's okay if it's just temporary. What if it's not? I need to be consulted when decision are made rather than be informed of the decision only after it's made. Once or twice that happens, it's acceptable but not if it's going be this way forever. Being a couple means we got to respect each other and think of each other when making decisions rather than making decisions for the good of one party all the time while the other just compromises...

Like you said, I think too much but not deep enough... Maybe I really do... Perhaps I should start thinking deeper now... I do not know what will the eventual outcome be. I just know that, either way, it's equally tough and painful. But I also know that some things albeit painful, would still have to be decided on... At the end of the day, what's most painful is that you eventually realise that what affects you so much, probably doesn't have much effect on the other party...

天黑了， 被孤独拥抱着， 一个人回忆你的体温
放开了你的手我后悔， 后悔再也来不及挽回
失去了，失去了你，我想哭但是没有泪

在无奈与无助的人生里，如何找寻生存的意义?

The feeling of helplessness can get so overwhelming.

Being able to feel and feel very much for others and oneself might be more of a curse than a blessing. How much others' pain can affect you... like how hurt you would feel if you were in others' predicament... all these feelings though makes one very empathetic, also has the ability to make one feel very helpless.

Helpless as you can't do anything except sit and watch... Helpless as you know it's so near but yet so far... Helplessness...


每个人活在这世上，如果能够遇到一个知心的人，就说的上是无怨无悔。
但试问，如果让你尝到了幸福的滋味， 然后又把它带走。。。那为甚么要让我们有这么美丽的体会呢?
人生就是那么如此的无奈而人也是如此的无助。。。

You know something...

I love you more and more everyday =)

加油!

Sometimes when I feel down, you just have this special ability to make me feel so much better without even doing much.

I really appreciate the fact that you're able to make me see things in a whole new perspective. Which is why we should spend more time together 'cause you are able to make me see the light! =)

As you asked... I feel like I'm falling in love all over again every single day. Yes, there're certainly times whereby I have my doubts and my insecurities. But time and again, you were able to make me feel otherwise.

It feels good to know that we've progressed and gotten very far from where we started off. There were days where I am seriously pissed with you & I believe I've the same effect on you too. But hey, without such times, we wouldn't have gotten to know each other even better.

Yes, I really do hope that at the end of 2 years, we'll still be together, only much closer and with a deeper understanding of each other. Meanwhile, you work hard while I'll be here supporting you emotionally. I'll work hard too... And let's both work hard together to nurture this 'baby' of ours & hopefully at the end of these 2 trying years, our 'baby' would have grown up to be a strong little thing...

********

And though the odds say improbable

What do they know

For in romance All true love needs is a chance

And maybe with a chance you will find

You too like I

Overjoyed, over loved, over you, over you....

I do care...

Sometimes, I can be quite insensitive to the feelings of the people close to me. Also, I tend to assume too much.

You're always on my mind... It's true. From the moment I wake up in the morning, when I'm on my way to school on the bus, when the lecturer's words don't make sense anymore, when I'm eating, when I'm on my way home, when I'm home and doing nothing, even when I'm out with my friends... I'm always thinking of you.

It's just that sometimes, I can be quite a scatterbrain. Like how I can be so engrossed in my project that I am lost in my own world... & I can forget to do certain things. Not that they aren't important, just that probably I ain't very good at multi-tasking and thus filter out certain 'To-Do' stuff unconciously.

It's not that I don't care... or that you aren't important enough. I admit that I tend to lack initiative sometimes and therefore, I usually sit and wait instead of taking action. Like how you're always the one calling me all the time... & if you don't call, I wouldn't call too. I always thought that you're the busier one so I shouldn't disturb you. Which explains why I tend to sit & wait for you to call me, rather than picking up my phone to dial your number even when I miss you like hell sometimes. Now I know what you meant the other time when you said we are just too considerate for each other.

I'm sorry... I've never realised that this would upset you. But that message from you just now, slapped me hard across the face. Realisation dawned upon me & I wonder why it hasn't earlier on. It made me realise how unfeeling I portray myself as sometimes and how silly and stupid this mentality of mine is. This whole 'He's busy so when he's free, he'll call me... I'll just wait and not disturb him' mentality probably irks you lots. I know how you feel... 'cause I feel this way at times too. It certainly doesn't feel good... I promise I'll remind myself to be more proactive in future and show you more C&C okie...

Do not doubt me... Whatever doubts I may have cast on you, is really nothing but a stupid misunderstanding... I'll keep myself in check in future.

我不怕寂寞。。。 我只怕我爱的人其实并不爱我。。。

爱虽然很美妙　却不能为了寂寞
又陷了泥沼
爱要耐心等待　仔细寻找　感觉很重要
宁可空白了手　等候一次　真心的拥抱
我相信在〔这个〕世界上　一定会遇到
对的人出现〔在眼角〕

那次流过的泪　让我学习到
如何祝福　如何转身不要
在眼泪体会到　与自己拥抱 爱不是一种需要　是一种对照

能愿意为了一份爱付出去多少
然后得到多少并不计较
当我想清楚的时候　我就算已经准备好
放手去爱　海阔天高　

So very true...

Love's indeed beautiful but that doesn't mean that we should just be in a relationship for fear of loneliness.

Probably we all should be more patient and just wait for that one true love to appear... All the hurt and sadness from the past should have taught us how we should walk out of an unfulfilling relationship and learn to love ourselves even more.

How much are we willing to sacrifice for love? It's really easy to fall in love but it's definitely not a simple task to maintain the relationship.

My dear friends, how far are you willing to go for love? If you're not willing to make any sacrifices, then probably you don't love that person enough. Similarly, if your other half never seems to be willing to commit & make certain sacrifices for you, then you should learn to walk away.

You certainly deserve someone better.... that someone who treats you like a princess, who loves you and cares for you, who worries about you when you're sick, who is always there for you without the slightest complain whenever you need a shoulder to cry on, who thinks of you in times of both sadness and happiness, who never wants to leave your side... Of course, you should also be able to do the same for your other half.

Have you all already found this special one?

I have no idea if my special one has already appeared... one thing I'm sure of though is that I wouldn't hesitate to walk out should I one day realise that my other half doesn't love me anymore or is with me just for the sake of wanting someone by his side... If that means I have to be single for a very long time, so be it...

会是你吗?

我的故事　也許比較特別　走過的路　也許比較迂迴
黑夜之中　全憑著直覺　Keep my faith　watch my steps　一步步　靠直覺
也許有天　生命中會出現　那一個誰走進我的心裡面
他不必是個Mr. Perfect　只要他　善良體貼　
be my friend and be my soul mate

我等的人會是誰　何時才出現　Make me whole　make me brave
我等的人會是誰　不急在眼前　I can wait I will Pray
也許有天　生命中會出現　那一個誰走進我的心裡面
他不必是個Mr. Perfect　只要他　善良體貼　
be my friend and be my soul mate

我等的人會是誰　何時才出現　Make me whole　make me brave
我等的人會是誰　希望他了解　不管迷惘或堅決　都是我的某一面
我並不追求完美　只要能　用心體會　每一天　都是Better day
我等的人會是誰　何時才出現　Make me whole　make me brave
我等的人會是誰　何時才出現　陪著我　一天一點　讓生命　能變得更美

My BirthDate

Your Birthdate: July 12

You're a dynamic, charismatic person who's possibly headed for fame.You tend to charm strangers easily. And you usually can get what you want from them.Verbally talented, you tend to persuade people with your speaking and writing.You are affectionate and loving, but it's hard for you to commit to any one relationship. Your strength: Your charm Your weakness: Your extreme manipulation tactics Your power color: Indigo Your power symbol: Four leaf clover Your power month: December

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

I Try...

Sometimes, I get really really tired.

So much so that I want to just call it quits...

I may appear to be free
But I'm just a prisoner of your love
I may seem alright and smile when you leave
But my smiles are just a front
I play it off but I'm dreaming of you
I'll keep my cool but I'm fiending
I try to say goodbye and I choke
I try to walk away but I stumble
Though I try to hide it, it's clear
My world crumbles when you are not near

Never too late...

"I'm really happy nowadays... because we're so much closer now..."

Her eyes brimmed with tears when she read the message her sister left her on MSN. Her thoughts floated back to the times when they were young... when they had pretty much no one else but each other. Still, they fought non-stop.

Their mother had to work all the time especially during month end when it's time to balance the statements. Thus, the girls had to take care of themselves after the domestic help quit. The elder sister, having been the only child for 6 years till her little sister came along, was not very happy that she had to share her parents' affections with someone else now. Thus, the little girl never felt very close to her sister.

Things only got worse as the elder sister went to stay with her paternal grandparents while the younger one went over to the maternal grandmother after their parents split. They never had the chance to bond like sisters do... doing the girlie things sisters do together during their growing up years, sharing clothes, having girl talk and all.

It was only after the elder sister turned 16 that she moved in with her maternal grandmother. All these years apart has done nothing to strengthen their relationship. Occasionally, the little one would do something stupid like all little ones do... but the elder sister would be very mean... All the verbal accusations, physical beatings... Was something which the little one never forgot...

All the years, she envied friends who had nice, caring elder sisters whom they could share lots with... Someone whom they could turn to for advice and someone whom they could depend on when the need arises...

It can't be said that they hate each other... however, they didn't really love each other that much too.

Years past.... Time flies and before they knew it, they have both blossomed.

The day her elder sister got married to a man who loved her alot, the little one truly felt happy for her from the bottom of her heart.

The day the elder sister gave birth to her first son, the little one felt this sense of pride... Something she never knew she felt about her sister...

Subsequently, they started talking to each other over the phone, strained conversations, but still, at least they talked. Then, they started smsing each other more... and then they progressed to MSN-ing...

Then, afternoon tea and short shopping sessions together became a frequent thing... It's as if they were catching up on lost time... Better late than never, they both think...

After all these years, they have finally came to terms with their differences while complementing each other's temperament...

It certainly wasn't easy and they probably took the road less travelled... but still they managed to find 'reconciliation'.

I suppose, it's never too late for anything... as long as you care about it enough, it's never too late...

An Update

Been really caught up with life in general these days, which explains the lack of update. Not that I've stopped having interesting encounters already...

Well, school as usual is hectic... It's even more so now that the project deadlines are drawing nearer.

Had a shoot last week too... & it has been ages since I went for castings... Had a stroke of good luck this time round and got a job =) Had lots of fun doing the shoot...

On the job-hunting front, things have been going well up till this point. Let's hope it'll stay this way till I get THE offer.

Friends are all well... with 2 marriages happening by end of the year and I'm so happy for them.

I'm still happily in love for those who are curious and probably wondering what the hell happened to me after a couple of those depressing posts of mine. Oh well, let's just say that sometimes shit happens. But I've cleared those shit... and the system's smooth and running again haha.

In fact, I'm happier than ever... though April's coming soon. But let's not think about it. Will learn to deal with it as it happens... & I'm pretty sure I can cope well...

Anywayz, will try to update more often. Take care all!

Pathetic

It's amazing how pathetic some people can be...

Ain't it obvious when someone doesn't really yearn to talk to you that much? Why be such a pathetic idiot and try calling like a million times when people don't want answer your call? Isn't it even more obvious that they don't exactly want to talk to you? If that's the case, why keep persisting and even go to the extent of smsing the said person like a million more times, with stupid opening lines like, "Hey, how are you?" or "Hey, please show some sign of life."

What are these people trying to prove? Their degree of 'pathetic-ness'?

Sheesh...