Questions...

Rainy nights always makes me feel nostalgic... where I always think back... reminiscing the good old times with people who used to be very dear to me... who used to be very close in my heart... but no longer in my life now...

I always feel this tinge of regret whenever I think of them... What went wrong? Is it me, is it them or was it just how it was meant to be?

Would things have been different if only I had cast my pride aside, if only I had tried harder? Or would the outcome still be the same no matter how hard I try?

At times, I really wish I could see the future... & I'll know what life has in store for me... but yet at the same time, I'm apprehensive... Would I be able to handle the truth? Would what I see be what I want? If not, would I be able to deal with the cold hard truth...?

I miss alot of people right now... people whom meant alot to me at one point or another in my life... These people taught me alot about life... even now that they are gone... they are still on my mind... always...

I appear cool, calm, collected... but am I really like this? Or is it just a facade?

I am afraid of getting hurt... afraid of being upset again... afraid of being abandoned...

I am scared... really scared... I am very vulnerable... does anyone know? Will there ever be someone whom I can totally trust... who will honour me, treasure me, love me forever?

Is that too much to ask for? Don't I deserve that?

Would you be the one? Would you always be there for me? Would you?

I wonder...

Aren't they lovely?

Happenings

This week has been a very busy week... Work's crazy... lots of shit to clear and I am expected to work overtime EVERYDAY... sighz...

But at least met up with my good friends for dinner and managed some catching up and updates of each other's lives...

It's sad how now that we all have our own lives, it's so tough to arrange a time where all of us can meet up and just update each other of the ongoings of our lives.

Nonetheless, I still make the effort to arrange get-togethers even though it can be really fustrating at times... you know how it feels whenever you finally manage to find a day where everyone can make it... but yet someone has to cancel at the last minute just cause of work commitments or other shit...

Besides that, maid's back to her hometown for a holiday for the next 2 weeks and things at home are pretty difficult... Mum's all cranky and hung-up cause she's probably too used to having a maid around for her to command... Now that maid's not around, she's taking it out on me... sighz... now I know whom I got my traits from... it's her! My bad-temper, my low tolerance etc... can all be seen on her...

But good news it, my darling's back =) Got me chocolates from HK... and they're so pretty... that I probably would feel dammn dammmn dammmn heartpain to eat them... Will take some pictures of them before I devour them... haha

Friends all commented that I look very happy... Really meh? Aren't I always like that hur?
You mean I'm usually very glum-looking meh? Don't think so right? I am like one of the cheeriest person I know okie...

Though can't deny he played a part in the fact that I look happy lah... but still I think I'm mostly quite a happy person... cause as many other millions have said,

"Happiness is a choice... if you choose to be happy, you'll be so..."

So there you go... I choose to be happy, therefore I am happy... Simple as that...

P.S: The same can't be said of me when I am undergoing a difficult period every month aka PMS... =p

AirFlown Love...

Baby sent me a "Card of Love" all the way from HK on Tuesday... He sure knows how to make a girl happy... *Grin*

Though it wasn't easy spending my weekend without him, not having him around to go for walks with me late at night, I managed to survive somehow. His cards, smses and thoughtfulness made it alot easier for me too. When I miss him, I just took out the cards and read them over and over again...

When love first starts out, it's always very beautiful isn't it? Like both would make effort to do things for the other party... go that extra mile, spring surprises etc... Sometimes, I wish this would never end... but I know it's unrealistic of me to expect that from someone all the time. The problem with me, you see, is that I get bored very easily...

Of course I do have my exceptions like everyone else too... If it's something I totally adore, I would never ever get bored of it... Like how I can eat the same thing over and over again everyday if I really really love it.

I really wish he's someone whom I'll never tire of... someone whom I'll always be thinking of... someone who challenges me mentally all the time... so that there'll never be a dull moment... This, I think is, the way to my heart...

Nonetheless, it's really such a miracle to have met him... I feel so blessed and blissful... Love you baby...

Chicken soup for the soul of the week:

"Without separation, one would not know the bliss of a reunion"

My Type of Guy...

Intelligence Intelligence is most important in a boyfriend/girlfriend. You like to be able to talk about everything that is on your mind, and if your partner can't keep up, well, you know. You are very attracted to someone who can challenge you, and make you see things in a whole new way.

Lalalala

My Darling is coming back to me in a day's time! Can't wait...

I know I sound like some disgusting lovesick teenager now... but I can't help it, my dear friends... just bear with me yeah muahahaha

Gifts from My Love + A Fine Evening @ Km8

Fallen

A surprise from him when I got home after we went for a drink... 36 stalks of roses to signify the 36 days...

The 36 days where we developed from friends to lovers... A little fast, I know... but I've never been so happy in a long time...

Today, after a tiring day from work... standing for 10 hours on ends... I received his card... I'm really happy... though he isn't in Singapore now... He was on my mind the whole time...

I really appreciate all these sweet gestures... the effort he made just so that I wouldn't be upset when he isn't around to comfort me or go for walks with me...

I love you...

I can't believe it, you're a dream comin' true. I can't believe how I have fallen for you.

And I was not looking, was content to remain. And it's ironic to be

back in the game.

You are the one who's led me to the sun. How could I know that I

was lost without you...

- A little story of ours...to be continued....

Time Heals all Wounds? Think again...

God works in mysterious ways. I'm not a believer, but I know that there's a higher being out there... God or not, I do not know... All I know is that this higher being has got everything planned out for us...

Our lives are fixed the moment we're born... Our destiny, the experiences we would all go through, the failures, the successes, the sadness, the happiness... Everything... It's all pre-destined. Yes, we can control our own lives to a certain extend... but unknowingly, our paths has already been laid out for us...

Though I ain't exactly old... I think 20 odd years of living has given me enough reasons to think so. It's funny how when bad things happen, they do so sneakily, sneaking up your back when you're so happy and feeling all good about life. We get all emotional, afraid, daunted... Same here, I too, get depressed and question why do bad things ALWAYS have to happen to me. "Why me?" The same old question I always have at the back of my head...

My life has never been easy... If I were to relate it to the sea... then mine would be akin to the tumultous open sea where big waves are threatening to capsize the smaller boats anytime...

Many times, I find myself in situations where one wrong move would spell the end of things. As a result, I grew up way way before my time... I used to be bitter about it... like always wondering why do my peers have the 'priviledge' to be so loved by their parents, why are they so happy, so free of worries, never having to worry about anything...?

Since I was a kid, I had always been the pillar of strength for my mother and elder sister. The two of them, being the more emotional ones, tend to turn to me for support... Not that I could do much anyway... just that I was a good listening ear... Also, because of this, I had to grow up fast as I felt a responsibility towards them... I always had this sense of duty to be there for them, to solve their problems for them, to make decisions even though I was only a kid myself...

It was never easy and to be honest, I hated it... I hated having to be responsible... I've never ever been able to be carefree... Whatever I do, I always had to consider a thousand and one other things... How I envied people who were able to do things as they like, according to their hearts' desire... That, I think, is a priviledge, which I would never be able to experience...

A forbidden fruit is always the sweetest... It's the things which you do not have or you know you'll never have that appeals to you the most... But after having it, you'll probably realise that you don't want it so much after all...

Today signifies the end of the past and the start of a new beginning. Before this day, I was so looking forward to it happening... Now that it has come, I'm not so sure that I want it anymore. I feel sad in fact. Today's the day I'll be collecting my father's death certificate...

For many years, my mother, my sisters & myself have wanted to find closure... to put that painful past behind us, to move on... I wanted it more than anything else... Now that I'm only a few hours away from it, I'm suddenly overwhelmed by emotions... I know it sounds stupid, but I feel that today, he's really leaving us for good... He's going to be out of our lives for good... Gone, forever... never coming back...

I have not seen him since the day he left us... but his presence was always felt... I always had him close to me... in my heart, in the faintest memories I had of him... I always thought of him... Wondering how he's doing now... is he happy? Is he thinking of us too? So many questions yet never able to find an answer...

That's life isn't it... I always tell myself to be strong... I cannot offer to collapse or even show the slighest weakness... cos they depend on me... emotionally...Therefore, I've grown to be this very mature and cold person to them...

It's not that I don't feel anything... It's just that I've learnt to concealed my feelings so well, keep everything to myself to, put on a brave front so well that no one, not even the ones closest to me will ever be able to tell what's on my mind... How many nights have I spent crying myself silently to sleep...

As I'm typing this entry, tears are flowing & no words can describe the tremendous amount of pain I'm feeling in my heart now... This heartache is a million times worse than any physical pain that can be inflicted on the body... The physical pain heals with time... but a heartache never really goes away... It comes back when you least expect it... at moments where you thought you've finally put it behind you... It comes back in a dull aching manner... When you get transported back to the past... and feel the pain all over once again...

People say time heals all wounds... I beg to differ... I say they never really do heal... just that with time, we get used to it and learn to live with it... but it's always there, tucked away in a little corner of our heart... waiting to jump out at you, catching you unaware...

It's a good thing no one ever died of heartache... cos I would hate to think of how many times I would have died or be on the verge of death if it was possible...

A Walk to Remember

Had a nice walk along the river last night... It was nice... feeling his hands around mine... the feeling of his warmth...

We have endless topics and we share the same wavelength.

We shared our views on relationships... & it's comforting to know that we pretty much agree on things...

He was really tired on Friday night but yet he made the effort to meet up with me... though he slept through parts of the movie... I was glad... I think most gals in my shoes would have been really pissed... On the contrary, I felt really happy... He could just have went home after his company dinner... but he made an effort to spend time with me... Asking me out for a movie. That, I really appreciate...

It's really nice to feel in love all over again... I don't know if it'll last forever... I don't know what the future holds... but I haven't felt this way for a very long time... since I left my 3rd... This time round, I really wanna try my best to work things out...

A friend who bumped into me on Saturday afternoon smsed me this... 'You guys were so into each other that you didn't see me even though I walked right past you...'

It's evident even to the regular friend that we shared something...there's this connection... & it makes me really happy... like I feel damn fortunate...

Let's just pray that things would work out fine... cos I care... and I know he does too...

'Nothing compares to you...'

A Really Long Post

I've been on an emotional roller-coaster ride this couple of months back. Mainly cos I got out of my longest relationship (3 long yrs) by far....

When I was with him, I never had a doubt that he loved me with his all... never had I for a single moment felt that he doesn't care, never... Why, then, did I choose to leave him? I think I simply got into a relationship for a wrong reason, without loving him enough. I truly liked him, he was there for me when I was at the lowest point of my life when I found out my ex cheated on me. He was my life buoy... I hung on to him... He gave alot... financially & mentally. He always brought me on diving trips, overseas trip, made time for me no matter how tired he may be after work, hang out with me even though his friends might haf made plans... He allowed me all the freedom in the world, allowing me to grow and learn... Never once, did he try to control me. I could meet other guys... he would always be waiting for me to go back to him... He was always there, at the corner waiting... knowing that I would return...

I know I'm a bitch for leaving him... I know he deserves someone much better than me... someone who loves him and is more committed to him than me. He really loves me, that I know... But love has to be a 2-way traffic... Not that I have no feelings for him at all...it's just that I think I am not that into him... No, I admit I do not love him enough to want to stop seeing other people. I tried, I swear I really tried. There was this point where I didn't wanna meet new people or go anywhere except with my gfs cos I was very afraid of feeling attracted to someone else...

I was very selfish & it was very unfair for him. There he was, giving his 100 percent and here I'm taking and taking without reciprocating equally... I know love's never a fair game... but I was taking far more than I was capable of giving...

At one point, I kinda thought of a future together with him... we went flat viewing... checked out wedding gowns, read bridal magazines... I sincerely thought that I would be really happy with him as I know I'll never meet someone else who loves me more than he does... I thought I would be contented just by being very loved...

People always say that it's always better to find a man who loves you more than you love him... I thought that was true too... until now... until I've been through it... I realised it doesn't work that way... For something to work out, it has to be a 2-way traffic... though there can never be a balance, both parties should at least be equally committed to wanting to work things out. I'm sorry I was never really committed or decided enough... It's all my fault, really. I do not want to attempt to make it seem like I'm not in the wrong at all. In actual fact, the very reason why this whole relationship couldn't work out was solely because of me... the fact that I cannot fully commit... the fact that I always thought there would be someone better out there...

After I finally made things clear to him, I really felt very relieved... like this huge burden lifted off my chest... I felt very bad that I did not even shed a single tear for him... Life went on for me... In fact, I cherished this new found 'single' status... not that I acted like I was very 'attached' in the first place... but still...

He's still stuck I know... I tried to be nice... to help him cope... but I realised it's not working... In fact, it's making things worse... He gets this impression that I just need some time alone... & eventually, I'll go back to him... I got harsh... No longer was I willing to be nice cos I didn't want to lead him on any further... I know I'm cruel... I know that was the least I could have done... but yet, I chose not to do it... I think he has to learn to get on with his life without me... My presence makes it alot more difficult for him... I had to be cruel... or it'll just be a never-ending vicious cycle...

It's almost 4 mths now... I'm leading a very happy life... I think I might have met someone whom I'm very much into... and it's mutual... I feel remorseful that I'll happy and that he's upset... I know for sure I have no more feelings for him... but yet there's still this feeling of guilt when I see the other guy...

But I think I really like this guy alot... and I want to give it a shot... Even if that means I'll be taken for a heartless, cold-hearted bitch... I mean how often in life do you meet someone whom you feel really attracted to? I mean I have met 2 guys whom I really had great chemistry with... but always at the wrong time... I really do not want to give this guy a miss... He's a great guy... a nice friend... and he's always willing to accomodate me... He makes me laugh and I feel appreciated by him too...

I think I've had enough regrets... I want to make sure this time round, I wouldn't have any... even if it means I'll be grossly misunderstood, I do not care... I'm sure my true friends would not judge me and will stand by me... the rest of the people... are the least of my concern... They can say whatever they want for all I care... Life's too short to have that many considerations... I can't please the whole world anyway... So for once, I've decided that there's no need to be politically correct anymore... My happiness lies in my own hands... If it works out, grt! If it doesn't at least I know I gave me all... I could look back at this episode in the future, and feel pleased and proud of myself for being brave enough...

FUCK

What the fuck is wrong with people nowadays?

Can't I fucking hug a good friend whom I have not seen in ages? What the fuck does it have to do with him anyway... he's not even my boyfriend!!! NO! I don't like you, not in the past, not now & neither will I in the future! Yes, I laugh at your words, I enjoy your company. But that's all there's to it! We are merely FRIENDS & nothing more! So don't fucking try to control me cos the more you try, the more I detest you!

An ex-bfs... men are such a pain-in-the- ass! When things can't work out, then obviously, it'll never work out! Don't fucking bother wasting your freaking time and effort on me! Cos I wouldn't appreciate it! I'm a bloody heartless and cold-hearted bitch! GEDDIT?! When I say I don't love you anymore, I MEAN I DON'T LOVE YOU anymore! & NO! I don't want to even TRY to work things out!!!

Don't fucking sms me some fucking stupid message asking me why can't you talk to me without me 'slamming the door' in your face! WHY?! Don't you geddit? Cos I don't freaking love you anymore! Yes, NO MORE! I want to continue leading my life... my life without you in it... So please don't fucking show up at my doorstep as and when you please! Cos it's my house, NOT yours! It was good while it lasted so let it go alrite!

I'm tired! Tired of always having to answer your 'whys' & 'what-ifs'! Please just leave me alone! Go on with your life! I'm not worth it! I'm not THE ONE for you!

Why is the whole freaking world pissing me off?! FUCK OFF!

Blissful

I've been absolutely happy and feeling totally on top of the world...

I feel really blessed and extremely blissful...

I'm a very happy gal =)

P.S: Idiot, miss you... come back soon & yes, I know you're reading my blog... take gd care of yourself and fly safely!

A Whole New Level

In this day & age... dating and finding a partner has become a speedy process... Gone were the good old days of courtship...long dates... where guy makes lots of effort to win the heart of the gal...

In place, I see people who are together without any idea when they started or 'officially' started as they would like to call it.

It's a whole new ball game now and does it simplify or complicate things further?

Love is never something easily explainable neither isit something which come overnight. I do not believe in love at first sight and in my opinion, it's more like lust at first sight.

Now, in this whole new level, where two individuals have a special feeling for each, start going out, seeing each other more and then *BAM* they are suddenly a couple...

Not that it's bad... somehow, I find that alittle strange... what's the status? Just very good friends who can like hold hands, hug and all? Or cause the attraction is too strong that neither can deny it?

I used to be someone who enjoys the process of courtship and getting to know the other half better before deciding if we'll be suitable for each other...

But somehow, I was converted god knows since when. I too, am caught in this whole new level of dating where speed dating rules... Is it good or is it bad?

I don't know... one thing for sure, I'll make sure I enjoy every single moment spent with the person cause I've learnt along the way the what matters more is the journey, not the destination... As long as I'm HAPPY... yeah, why not? =)

He..

Once upon a time, gal meets guy... gal & guy develops feeling for each other... They started going out... doing lotsa things together... Guy was really nice to gal...

He bought gal flowers all the time... gal cooked for guy... looked after his cat... went out with his family...

But things were not to be... it ended even before they had time to say a proper gdbye...

Gal was constanly thinking about guy... every place they went to brought back memories of him... she avoided certain places for fear of not knowing what to do if she bumps into him... Yet gal secretly wished that she could see him again, just to see if he's doing well... even if it's from a distance...

With nothing except for all the old cards and pictures, gal looked at them everytime she missed guy...

One day, gal finally plucked up enough courage to email the guy... Alas, he replied... She was overjoyed... Gal knew it was over but yet she couldn't help but feel very happy just to have made contact...

Gal and guy finally had a talk after so long. They talked about the past... they confessed their secrets to each other... After all these years, the memory they both had of each other, of their past was still as clear n dear for both...

They are happy to have found closure... they can talk freely as if it was yesterday again... Gal is happy.