Childhood Gems

She has been in my life since I was 9 years old... It all started when she came over holding her notebook asking me if my name is spelt in the same way as hers.

We both were in the Prefectorial Board and that was how our friendship blossomed... But to be honest, I didn't really like her alot back then. Kids being kids, will definitely have their fair share of petty squabbles and stupid quarrels.

Somehow, along the way, we resolved our differences and grew very close. I'll never forget the cold war we had which lasted for close to a year. And it all ended only when she gave in by asking someone to pass me a Keroppi keychain which she bought for me. I started calling her and we started from where we left off. Since then, we have never had any huge quarrels. Probably a little sacarcism here and there but never any harm intended.

Know what? If she hadn't given me the keychain, I probably wouldn't have contacted her again 'cause I'm really stubborn when it comes to things like these. I won't give in means I won't give in. So, I'm saying this now, if it hadn't been for her, I would probably have one less super duper good friend now.

She's the naughty one who never liked to study... I'll never forget the times when I had to copy her science notes for her. At times, when I think back, I wonder if I had done her more harm than good... but everything happens for a reason.

Remember the time when she was going through the most difficult time of her life. I felt so helpless then... that I couldn't do much to help except maybe be there for her. I'm glad she managed to resolve matters in a very rational manner and came out of it stronger with a life lesson learnt.

Do you know that she's one friend whom I'm damn proud of? I'm happy that she has now found her direction in life & is doing well in her career. On top of that, she's pretty, amiacable, streetsmart, generous, caring, always dispenses very good advice and sweet.

Really, I always wonder if my life would be very lonely and sad if not for her and Miss Moley. Though we are bitchy sometimes, or we bully each other, or take each other for granted without realising it at times, I never had a doubt that we'll stay true and close friends till the end of our life journey.

These are the things which I call priceless... No amount of material stuff on earth can ever replace the friendship and love that I have for them & I never want to imagine life without either one of them. So, I hope I'll be the first to die so I wouldn't have to deal with the loss of not having them with me anymore.

I can not have any men in my life... but funny how I can't live without them.

With this, I want to congratulate her once again for her promotion. You have no idea how thrilled I was when I heard the news and for the entire day, I was grinning like an idiot. Miss Moley's day will come too & when it happens, I'll feel just as thrilled for her too.

Love,

the other 1/3

Will You?

One can't fight a war alone, can one?

I need someone to fight it shoulder by shoulder with me... If I can't find someone who's willing to do that, then it's probably a war which isn't worth fighting for in the first place.

A sense of loss and a real loss is worlds apart... Am I feeling a sense of loss or is it a real loss? I totally have no idea.

Maybe it has come to a point where there's no longer any purpose in carrying on...

Head or Heart?

Cancer 22 Jun - 22 Jul

Stop running and confront your issues already. Beware of friends offering false council, just because they don't know better. If you're bothered by love, now's a time to ignore your head and follow your heart.

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When something happens, we would usually have two sets of solutions to the problem. One from the heart and the other from the head.

One being the more "irrational" one, so to speak while the other is the "rational" one.

It's always easier to follow your head 'cause you know without a doubt that it's a no-brainer... and probably by listening to your head, you'll save yourself from alot of heartache.

Listening to your heart on the other hand, usually involves one to take on a unconventional route which most prolly wouldn't. It requires lots of courage for one to listen to the heart instead of the head. More often then not, you would probably be taking a huge leap into the unknown... whereas if you follow your head, you'll be removing all elements of uncertainty from your life the instance a decision is made.

All my life,I've always listened to my head... I always have too many considerations when I'm about to embark on something. I think of a thousand and one reasons to justify why I should do what I'm going to do. Eventually, I back out and settle for the safer choice just 'cause I do not want my life to be subjected to such uncertainties should I decide to listen to my heart instead.

Safe might not be what's best for me. As a result, I have missed out on alot of possible life-changing opportunities. All just because I think too much and am too fearful.

Like when I was 17, I was given the chance to be groomed by a well-known artiste management company. Then, I had to choose between my studies or the contract. Not that thay wanted me to give up my studies, but just that all the singing, dancing, acting classes alone would leave me with no time even for myself. Therefore, it was either this or that. I had to make a choice... No prizes for guessing which I chose.

I went back to my mundane life, carried on studying a course which wasn't even something I liked... Passed and graduated with a Diploma. I made that choice as I wasn't sure if I would find success in what I was going to do... Would I be famous? Would I get offers? There were too many uncertainties... As a result, I settled for the safer choice. Was I happy? I wouldn't say I'm totally happy. Yes, I graduated but whatever I studied was something which I totally had no interest in.

On the contrary, if I had chose to sign that contract, maybe I would be someone today. Or maybe I would be doing something I really enjoy and at the same time making good money.

Or the time where I had to choose between 2 men... One being the safer and more stable one while the other one was a dream but not as stable. Again, I stuck to the safer choice. Look what happened in the end? I was stuck in an unsatisfying relationship for 3 years. Had I listened to my heart instead, I might have been happily married now 'cause he always talked about our future... A future which always brought a smile to my face whenever we talk about it and which still puts a smile one my face whenever I think of it now.

Who knows? No one has answers to that & since I've given up those opportunities, I shan't look back anymore. It's pointless.

What's disappointing is that time & again, I keep making the same mistakes. I keep holding back just because I'm fearful. Fearful of the unknown & not knowing what the future holds... It scares me alot sometimes.

But now, I'm even more fearful that I'll carry on living, listening to my head my whole life. I really do not want to live a life where I only obtain like, 40% of satisfaction. If I had been more courageous, I would perhaps have found more meaning and satisfaction out of life. Even if I would fail, then perhaps I would emerge a winner all the same because I'll learn from my failure.

Now, enough of all the bullshit and deliberation. I've decided to learn to listen more to my heart and be a braver girl. To just go on and give my all in doing what I WANT to do, instead of fulfilling others' expectations of me!

My head tells me to leave him.. but my heart tells me to carry on... My head tells me I should do banking... but my heart tells me I should give flying a try... I've really decided...

I'll give flying a try... Besides what's 3 yrs? What's 16 mths? If it doesn't work out, I still have next 2 decades of my life to make things right again. If I've placed my faith in the wrong man, then I'll take it as a lesson learnt. There're no certainties in life. I've long realised that. Only thing I'm certain of is that I'll die... we'll all leave this world one day anyway... So might as well make full use of whatever little time we have here to do things which we want to do... which would make us happy and make life meaningful and exciting.

I just hope I wouldn't be disappointed... especially not by him. I choose to see whatever path I'm going to take as something I'm doing for my own good... Not entirely for him... 'cause asking me to live without him now is gonna be hell for me. I just pray that he feels the same way too...

Decisions made, consequences accepted...

Ever thought of how far you're willing to go for love?

I never thought I'll be able to love with that kind of capacity until she pointed it out to me. Someone is apparently very much in shock with the decision that I've made.

What's so shocking about it my dear? ;) People grow and people change... At each point of your life, there's bound to be something which takes priority in life isn't it? I've decided to make that mine... So, there you go.

No big deal... I make my choice, I'll bear with the consequences be it good or bad... Besides, I think 2-3 years isn't such a long time... Let's just take it as a very long self-discovery break... Hopefully, by the end of it, I would be more aware of what I want & understand myself more.

& trust me okie, I'm really not acting on impulse... I've already given it a good thought before deciding on it.

I think for once in my life, I have a very clear direction and a very specific goal... I have no idea if it's attainable... but I guess there's no harm giving it a shot...

Can't think of a title...

"I'm sorry I took so long to say I love you. I've always thought that if I don't acknowledge this love that I'm feeling, I can just turn and leave once I get sick of the relationship. I've never wanted to take responsibility for love... & now that I'm finally saying it... it might be too late."

How typical of men to do that... Holding back all the time & only when they realise the girl's really leaving them for good, they start being the SNAG... Sighz...

********

We all probably look at the big picture too much... as a result, we often overlook the small little things which are just as important.

Yeah, I suppose the destination is important... but what's the point of getting to wherever you are if you haven't been enjoying the ride? The ride in itself, is as important as the destination...

It wouldn't do any harm to just let your hair down, sit back, relax and see where life leads you to...

Eraser in my brain, anyone?

You know... I really wish I could insert an eraser of some sort into my brain now & erase away all my memories... Or maybe only the memories of someone special.

It's ironic I know... Sounds totally illogical... Why the hell would I want to erase that someone special away from my memory?! Why? It's simple. I tell you why... Love has this amazing power to lift you up to cloud nine... and yet at the same time, it also has the power to bring you down to depths of hell...

I tell myself to be brave, to be strong... but yet at the same time, the mixed feelings I get makes me very negative. The words spoken... the subtle body language... everything.

Like I mentioned before, both holding on & letting go is equally painful... So the next best alternative would be to forget. Alas... we aren't some hard disk & we can't just delete away memories at our whim & fancy. As much as I wish I could, I know it wouldn't happen.

The very morbid me is wishing that I'll get knocked on the head or something, pass out and then wake up not remembering anything.

So now, my new mantra in life is: "To live in the moment & take each day as it comes"...

When you don't have a choice, you make do... That's usually the case isn't it?

Enough!

Ok! Enough of wallowing in misery & crying myself to sleep... Time to stand up on my feet and deal with the problem on hand like a MAN...

I know I can handle whatever shit that's going to come my way!

I can do it!

Many Many Random Thoughts

When a relationship you've been in failed to work for one reason or another, does your next suffer the repercussions?

Example: You loved this guy with your heart & soul but yet he cheated on you. Would you then, be less trusting of your next bf just because of a mistake made by your ex?

I think in a way, I'm guilty of this. Not only in love, but also friendship & kinship. I tend to be more wary and less trusting of people with each betrayal and disappointment.

It's probably just my way of protecting myself. While it works, I've also unwittingly blocked out the positive aspects of each and every relationship... While I protect myself from hurt, I'm indirectly stopping myself from feeling the happiness, warmth, joy and whatever positives which might come along.

How do we strike a balance then?

It's not very wise to just keep opening yourself up to just anyone and then probably get hurt and disappointed. But then, if you keep yourself so well-guarded then you'll probably never feel happy too though you wouldn't feel hurt either. How do we know when we should open up & when we should be alittle more cautious?

Do we observe and draw our own conclusions or do we simply listen to our gut feel or this thing called intuition?

I suppose there's never a best of both worlds... is there?

********

Priorities in life... When one decides to make one thing their number one priority, then there'll certainly be another which will have to take a backseat. Problem arises when another human being is involved... Again, there can never be the best of both worlds...

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If one day you meet someone whom you think might potentially be your life partner but yet you know that you might have to go away soon, would you still go ahead?

Would you just go ahead with it and enjoy every moment and take things as it comes or would you inform the other party of that possibility, however remote it may be, and then be a man and accept the decision of the other party be it yes or no?

If I were ever caught in that situation, I'm very certain I'll tell him of that possibility and then let him decide if he still wants to give it a shot. If not, I'll respect and understand his decision.

To turn the question around, if one decided to just go ahead with it because anyway, the chance of him/her going away might not even happen, and take things as it comes; - Is the person being very selfish?

*******

If one day I were to meet someone whom I really love and can foresee myself spending the rest of my life with, would I go ahead and do something which might take me further away from him?

If I love him alot, I probably would not... but women being women are always more emotional... They probably do not think for themselves very much and sometimes love matters more then anything...

That said, if I went ahead instead, does that mean I love the person any less? Or that I don't love that person enough?

********

If I decided to go ahead and he stops me, would I stay for his sake?

I don't know... but let's say we're in different positions now, I guess I probably wouldn't be selfish enough to stop him from going as much as it hurts me... As much as I know things might just not work out... As much as I wish I could... Not that I'm noble... Just that it's not in me to do something like that...

********

Even before considering any of the questions above, the first and foremost important question is probably gonna be this:

Would what I feel even matter?

If not, then why go through the agony of it all?

********

Is it right to just decide on something individually and then drop the bomb on him/her or would it be more considerate to just discuss this as a couple? At least you let him/her feel that his/her opinions matter as much and they're very much respected...

********

I think it's really tough... both letting go and holding on...

Like if one is suddenly diagnosed with a terminal illness... To try prolonging my life by going through all sorts of painful treaments which might not even work or to just slowly die with dignity while enjoying the remaining days of my life? That's a tough one... Both being equally painful and scary...

********

On hindsight, everything happens for a reason... good or bad, no one knows... But make a decision and make sure you have the balls to stick to it and accept all the consequences be it good or bad...

********

Do all great relationships have to be put through the toughest test; like how gold has to be put through fire?

********

I very much want to be very positive... but it's not easy... I'll try though...

********

Would things ever be the same again? I wish I knew...

One thing I am very sure of though... & that's my feelings... Even if it's heading nowhere... I'm still stupid enough to carry on loving & maybe risk getting hurt.

But as the wise always say:

"You don't try, you'll never know"

*******

I had a dream... where we were both old & toothless... and still holding each others' hands... I woke up with a smile... only to feel my pillow wet... and then realised that I cried myself to sleep...

*******

Is love a choice or a chance? I'd prefer it to be the first... where we all make a choice and stick to our choices... There's too much at stake if it's merely a chance... Of course, without a doubt, it'll have to be a choice which we'll gladly carry out our responsibilities... & there can only be one reason for this... for you love this person alot & want nothing more than for this person to be happy...

*******

As always, talk is cheap... let's prove our words with actions instead...

The Road Ahead...

Suddenly life has dealt me with a situation which totally caught me off-guard...

The road ahead which used to look so bright and straight-forward has suddenly been filled with trees grown to monstrous proportions, covering every inch of sunlight which could possibly seep in... If unaware, one could just trip & fall over one of those overgrown roots. In place of the beautiful flowers which grew, were big, black, ugly ones...

Again, I've come to realise that alot of things in life is very much dependent on timing. Time's the crucial factor... even if you have every other necessary criteria in place but the timing alone is wrong, nothing can ever work out.

I don't know what to make out of it. As much as I'm aware of how important it means to this person, I can't help but feel kind of sad. I wonder if I've been a taken into as a deciding factor or was I totally not at all taken into consideration when the decision was made.

Was it a sudden decision or has it already been in the making for awhile? Would it make any difference anyway? I suppose not...

********

Every seedling when planted into a pot of soil, needs lots of love, care, water, sunlight and fertiliser to grow and blossom into a beautiful flower. What if it has to be taken away from the sun just as the first leaves are sprouting out? Would it still survive all the same?

********

Is it true that everthing which doesn't have a strong foundation will never be able to withstand the test of time?

********

It's so much easily to totally close yourself up and deny all feelings than to open yourself up and show all affection and love... 'cause by doing the latter, one would be doubly hurt if one's affections aren't reciprocated...

********

One part of me thinks it's really stupid to just let it go like that while another part of me thinks it's better to just let it go while it's still beautiful... lest hearts get broken and feelings get hurt...

********

Decisions... of such magnitude... are never easy...

Simple Pleasures

Being in love is really the most amazing feeling in the world...

Like how you miss the person so very much and when your hp screen shows his picture when it rings, you blush and get really happy just 'cause he called... When he does nothing but merely sms you a "Good night & I enjoyed myself tonight...", you feel like you're floating... When he springs sweet surprises on you when you least expect it... When he knows you might not be right but still loves you enough to go along with you and risk being silly... When he's tired but yet he still makes the extra effort to meet you for a movie even though he ends up falling asleep halfway through the movie... Like how he would walk with you for couple of hours on end even though he really just want to hop into a cab and get home within 15 minutes...

All these sweet gestures of love are really nice and makes a girl very happy... It's these simple gestures that make up life's simple pleasures...

If only it could remain this way forever...

Love me for who I'm; not who you want me to be...

I'm who I'm...

Nowadays, people tend to only take things at face value. Like how most would only want to be associated with the coolest people in school, the prettiest or richest girl around or the guy who drives a nice car...

How about the plain Jane who's actually very kind... but maybe not as extrovert? Probably if you find time to get to know her better, she's actually a wonderful person with lots to share? Or the quiet guy who seldom talks but is actually a great gentleman?

Whatever happened to liking things for its simplicity? Isn't inner beauty the purest form of beauty? A beauty which will never be tarnished or fade with time....

Occasionally, we meet great people whom you really really like... and enjoy spending time with... but then as time goes by, you slowly realise that maybe they ain't that great afterall? Why? Simply because sometimes, they appear so superficial that you feel that it probably isn't worth investing time and effort in them.

Sure, I would love to marry some Brad Pitt lookalike... but I know I ain't any Angelina Jolie... But really, love to me is more than just seeing things from the surface... it goes beyond it... where you accept the good & the bad... Like how the person has BO but you still love the person all the same... Like how he starts balding and looking ridiculous but your love still doesn't change a single bit even though there's a Colin Farrell lookalike who's hot at your heels... Like how if one day she is diagnosed with cancer & has to undergo chemo & starts dropping hair... you would encourage her by shaving ur hair with her...

It's really easy to be there through the good times... but how many can still stick around when you're at your lowest? Fair-weather friends are aplenty... but the ones who see you through your good times and bad...? I dare say you'll be lucky like hell if you have as much as a handful.

So my friends, please don't always take things at face value... sometimes, it's wise to close your eyes & listen to your heart... 'cause your heart tells you the best & truest opinions.


Charlotte: Do you know how lucky you're to have me? Do you have any idea how people look at us when we're together?

Harry: Sure I do... I just didn't know you're one of them...

A Moment to Remember

"As my memory disappears, my soul will disappear too."

How very true... What if one day, we start losing the very precious thing which makes all of us who we are? Would you be thrilled as you can start as a clean slate or would you be sad to leave all your memories behind, both pleasant & unpleasant?

"Forgiving is just giving ur hatred a little room in your heart."

Would forgiving really be much easier than hating? Would it make your life better if you forgive the person whom has been wielding much control over your life since you can remember?

Have not cried so much for a very long time... A truly touching film with lots of meaningful messages we all could use for a life lesson or two...

Everything has to end... someday

Isn't it very sad that years of happiness with a person has to end somehow eventually? Be it kinship, love or friendship... The only difference to it all is probably the way it ends... It could end by choice or by chance.

In the above 3 categories, I would think that love is the most easily formed and at the same time, easily lost too. For most of us, family and friends are for life but this is not the case for love.

I've been told that I've changed alot over the past 4 years... From the first days we started going out to now, I've become a much better person... and I've matured much. I wonder if that's true... Somehow, some parts of me are still stuck in time... & I certainly don't think that I've changed much over the past years... Maybe yes, along the way, I grew alittle more cautious, weary, cold-hearted, afraid... but overall, I'm still very much the same girl I was years back. Just that now, I'm probably more tactful and less hot-tempered.

He said that he missed me alot & every beep he hears on his handphone, he wished it was me telling him that I miss him & I want him back... He said that his mother scolded him for not treasuring me... & he said that being the sceptical person his mother was, he was surprised that she like me so much...

He wants to try to work things out again...

What could I say? I could only manage a weak and soft, "Sorry"... I suppose it was never meant to be & if 3 years wasn't enough to make me sure of him, then I guess no amount of time would suffice. If I do marry him, it'll be out of gradtitude... thankful of his kindness and love towards me. But is that love?

I know marriage eventually subsides into this whole boring, messy grave to the great thing we call love initially... But at least, I want to marry someone who makes my heart beats faster... At least there would be something to thrive on...

Like all things have to come to an end one day, our relationship did too... I can't say I'm very upset... I'm just more guilty as I know I was almost his everything...

It's precisely of the way I felt towards him that makes me really insecure... very afraid that someone I'm really in love with would feel the same of me too. I know it's never a level playing ground... but I really wish it would be... Where the amount of hard work and effort you put in would result in an equal gain. The naive me would like to believe in that...but the realistic me knows that that's never possible...

Star Sign - Cancerian

Summary:-The psychological nature of the pure Cancerian is rather like the physical nature of the crab and other crustaceans: a hard outer shell conceals an interior that is soft and vulnerable to injury. .To outsiders Cancerians present a hard appearance, giving the impression that they are rough and unsympathetic; to those who know them well they are gentle and compassionate. A sea crab is totally attached to its home, in the most literal way, and the pure Cancerian is, in metaphorical terms, equally attached to his/her home - his/her life is centred on partners, parents, children and their surroundings.A Cancerian is a loyal and devoted friend, an even more devoted parent or child, and one who can be relied upon in all circumstances - Cancerians would rather betray themselves than those who are close to them. As they are themselves so loyal, Cancerians are badly wounded ifothers are disloyal to them. Their reaction is almost always to withdraw, like a crab into its shell, rather than to attempt to revenge themselves on those who have hurt them. Cancerian individuals include and have included the poet Byron, the writer and artist Jean Cocteau, the painterChagall, the movie star Gina Lollobrigida, and that extraordinary novelist and confidence trickster 'Baron Corvo'.

Sexuality and the Emotions:-Beneath an outward aspect which suggests coolness to the point of frigidity, Cancerian men and women are often highly sexed. "The Cancerian type was attributed to the Element of Water by the astrologers of old, but as far as the emotions are concerned the Water of the pure Cancerian is that which erupts from volcanic depths rather than that which is found in ice-cold mountain lakes. The strong physical urges of at least some Cancerians are modified by their attachment to the home and those they know well. In a sense Cancerians never leave their parents: the female Cancerian will seek a lover who is also a father figure; the male will rarely value a partner who does not have some maternal qualities. On the whole Cancerians make good long-term relationships. These, however, are sometimes marred by an emotional moodiness which can be trying to those who have to cope with it day by day. Cancerians tend to swing between extremes of attraction and repulsion, elation and depression, optimism and pessimism. Only someone who is prepared to accept such swings of temperament should marry a Cancerian.

General Character:-The first, and even the second, impression made by a Cancerian is often an unfavourable one. He/she strikes others as ultralogical, a person who does not fully appreciate the feelings and problems of others, who adopts a sternly practical attitude lacking in sympathyand empathy. Nothing could be more erroneous; whatever their outward aspects, Cancerians are the kindest, most generous and most protective of human beings.They are also the most sensitive and are extremely easily hurt. Cancerians respond very badly to criticism and such criticism rarely has good results, for Cancerians do not respond to it by making greater efforts in an attempt to do better but by running away from the scene. However goodthe motives of the critic, the Cancerian feels under attack and goes into retreat, withdrawing into the crab-like shell which feels familiar and utterly safe. Thus, for example, the Cancerian child who is told that his painting is attractive but that his perspective is defective will respond, not by concentrating on improving his/her perspective, but by giving up painting in favour of metalwork. Similarly, the adult Cancerian will retreat from anyone who does not enthusiastically respond to a kindly action or an agreeable word. There is no doubt that this causes more extrovert types to find considerable difficulty in establishing good relationships with Cancerians. If they persist, however, it is well worth the effort, for it would be hard to find a more rewarding friend or associate than a Cancerian whose trust has been won.

Life-Style:-Home is the most important aspect of the pure Cancerian's life, and if he/she is to be happy at work the workplace must acquire some of the characteristics of home. That is to say, the Cancerian must feel secure in his/her work and feel that workmates are all part of some enormous family. Any type of enterprise which demands the utmost loyalty from its staff and, in turn, endeavours to protect them from the harshness of the outside world provides an admirable work environment for the pure Cancerian -a university, an old-established school or a traditional financial concern, for example. Nevertheless, a Cancerian's work life must not be too humdrum: Cancerians are often imaginative, in spite of their sometimes pedestrian outward aspect, and they also tend to be shrewd and intelligent. Any successful Cancerian career must provide some scope for these qualities. Provided the home environment is right, Cancerians do not care whether that home is in the depths of the countryside or the midst of the city.

Lovely Song

Almost Here - Delta Goodrem

Did I hear you right
'cause I though you said
Let's think it over
You have been my life
And I never planned
Growing old without you

Shadows bleeding through the light
Where the love once shined so bright
Came without a reason
Don't let go on us tonight
Love's not always black and white
Haven't I always loved you?

But when I need you
You're almost here
And I know that's not enough
And when I'm with you
I'm close to tears
'cause your only almost here

I would change the world
If I had a chance
Oh won't you let me
Treat me like a child
Throw your arms around me
Oh please protect me

Bruised and shattered by your words
Dazed and shattered now it hurts
Haven't I always loved you

But when I need you
You're almost here
Well I never knew how far behind I'd left you
And when I hold you you're almost here
Well, I'm so sorry that I took our love for granted
And now I'm with you I'm close to tears
'cause I know I'm almost here
Only almost here...